I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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