Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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