Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
