she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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