Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
