and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
