Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
