did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
