I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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