More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.