i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.