Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
