Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
