If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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