I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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