I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
