My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
