Just fell off a train. Bad.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
