i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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