if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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