Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
