I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
