What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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