I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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