If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
