how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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