he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
