Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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