Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
