well I can't set my house on fire every night
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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