Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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