got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dick very happy bro
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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