i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
