If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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