i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
