How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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