Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
