I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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