She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days