my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
