Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
