Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
