haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
vagina is talking i cant
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
