I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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