Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
