Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
