Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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