You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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