life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
