she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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