Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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