very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize