I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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