but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
