Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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