i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize