this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
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its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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