Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
