I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
