It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
